Paralyzed

So we have moved to West Virginia and I am doing ok.  I have met two awesome women that are helping me in my journey.

Right now I am struggling with my diet.  Should I got on an eating plan.  This is where I struggle, with respect to plans,  I don't want them to be my idol.  I don't want what the scale says to be my goal.  My goal should be to honor God.  But I get paralyzed.  I am so afraid of  pride, idolization, looking good in front of others that I don't act.  I stand there in the middle.

Fasting is the same way for me.  I am so afraid of my food issues that I fail to do something God calls me to do.  So afraid of my ulterior motives that I don't act.
 
I want to honor God, but I am afraid to.

How do I get over this fear, and jump in and honor God?

Yesterday, a small victory

I had a rough beginning to yesterday.  As we prepare for our move to West Virginia, I keep seeing all that I am failing at, how the house needs so much work.  How can I begin to pack when I can barely keep the toilet clean, and towels put away.  Yesterday I could not find my keys anywhere, I was feeling like such a bad mother, what kind of person can't get their kid to school because they can't find their keys.  I lost it, the stress of everything, I was a sobbing utter mess.  I was bawling, out of control!  When I get like this, it ruins me for the day, my emotions get so out of hand that it literally takes me sleeping that night to flush the emotions from my body.  Usually when this happens, I turn to food.  I find the worst thing  I can eat in the house, or go clean off a store shelf and I eat all of it.  This does nothing for me except make me feel more guilty and frustrated.  Yesterday, was different, I didn't binge!  I ate in a fairly healthy way, instead of eating junk, when Scott came home I spent some time talking to him and praying with him.  Then spent some time alone.  

Today, my emotions are still very close to the surface, this realization that I need to be totally changing my focus, and the emotions that go long with it are close.  But that is good, it is God spurring me to change and grow, to glorify him!  A small victory in a long battle!  Lord please help me to remember you in the day to day struggle, be at the forefront of my mind!

Nothing I desire compares to the Glory of God!

Lord you are more precious than silver
Lord you are more costly than gold
Lord you are more beautiful than diamonds
and nothing I desire compares to you.

I woke up with this song in my head.  At first I was wondering why this was in my head.  Then I started listening to the words, the things this world values, beauty and riches are nothing.  The desires of this world are nothing compared to the Almighty God.  We should seek him more than anything in this world.  His glory is more important than anything that we could ever have or own in this world.  We are to set our minds on him, his glory.

No food can fulfill me, no matter what I put into my body, I can't be fulfilled with earthly food.  While it will sustain my body it will not fulfill my greatest need!

Colossians 3 1-17

1If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ who is your^a life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:^b sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.6On account of these the wrath of God is coming.^c 7In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self^d with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. 11Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave,^e free; but Christ is all, and in all.

12Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

More thoughts

My church likes to eat.  We have lots of events that center around great food made by wonderful people.  My husband and I joke that we started to go there because the kept feeding us.  One of my former pastors would frequently say we were eating to the glory of God.  But were we?  God created taste buds and wonderful tasting food, so he obviously intended us to enjoy eating.  He did not however create us to stuff ourselves so much that we are uncomfortable.

Lord, please help me to eat to your glory.  Help me to understand my body and what I need to do for it.  Help me to understand its signals.  Help me to glorify you through the things I put into myself.

Learning to Eat

I have been feeling overwhelmed with myself lately.  With the fact that I am overweight, and I really "need to do something" about it.  I go on diets and quickly fail.  My desire for that instant gratification of the bite of food quickly overwhelms the desire to one day down the road be skinny.  I was realizing I am addicted to food.  This thought is overwhelming in itself.  How do you abstain from something that you have to have?  As hard as it may be, an alcoholic can abstain from alcohol, a drug addict can abstain from drugs, but a food addict?  I have to eat, how do I balance this?  Feeling so overwhelmed, I left myself there, with some knowledge that I am an addict, but with no action plan.  No way of knowing what to do next.  And there I stayed, trying to watch what I ate, but failing daily.  Feeling guilty and like a failure.

Then I went to a one day church conference.  There were a few people that shared how God has met them in their struggles.  One person in particular shared an amazing story of how she is conquering bulimia.  She spoke of her desire for food and binging and the instant gratification that it brought, the short term pleasure that it brings.  How she sought that pleasure over the pleasure of seeking the glory of God.  Wow, that struck me!  I am seeking the instant gratification, the self pleasure of food, the instant that it lasts over God.  Over glorifying Him with my body!  Gluttony.

Ok, so I have had this realization and I quickly come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be on a diet.  Meaning that food rules, diet and exercise will not solve this problem for me.  They will only be rules addressing the outward manifestation of my sin.  Some people have sins that reside entirely inside of them, mine resides on the outside, in something I see when I look in the mirror everyday, in the form of 50 pounds of excess weight.  So, I have decided that I am not going to diet.  I need to focus on my heart.  In glorifying God by treating my body the way it should be treated.

A few weeks ago one of my pastors was preaching on taking up your cross, and choosing to suffer.  Choosing to deny yourself for the glory of God.  Now I sit here, still feeling overwhelmed, not by a number of pounds I need to loose, but at where to start.  How do I learn to eat all over again?  How do I eat to the glory of God?

These things I know:
God knows my tribulation, and I should not fear my suffering (Revelation 2:8 and 10)
Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law, indeed it cannot.  Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.  You, however are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. (Romans 8: 5-9)

My flesh, this 50 pounds of excess flesh, is the result of setting my mind on the things of the flesh.
I feel like I need an action plan.  I would say, a list of rules that I need to live by.  But here is what I need instead, prayer!
I need to be open to others about my heart, my struggles, and temptations.
I need to pray, daily, hourly even for my desire to glorify God to grow, especially when it comes to glorifying him through my body.
I need to memorize scripture that will help me in this struggle.

I am, for now especially, going to put the scale away.  The numbers on it will not tell me where my heart is.

If anyone reads this, please help encourage me, ask me how I am doing.  Bring me verses that will help me in this struggle.